New to my story or need a refresher? In the last four years, I left an unhealthy marriage; moved; bought a house and moved again; dabbled in dating; started rabbinical school; quit rabbinical school (or maybe it quit me?); got laid off from my job; scrambled as a freelancer for 8 months; landed a new and very full full-time job; and continued raising two (now) teenage sons. Oh, and we have a dog. I take care of her, too.
“The beginning is always today.” –Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley
For a long time now, I feel like I’ve been in either overwhelm, survival, or post-survival/recovery mode. In those spaces, goal setting seemed impossible. One day at a time was all I could handle—or even imagine. But somehow, I’ve come to a place where goal setting seems possible. Hallelujah and blessed be!
In setting new goals, I want to be intentional. I want to bring my whole self—fed and formed over 43.5 years by a variety of people, interests, and communities—into this moment. I want to be my unique, best self—now and going forward. So far, I’ve had an interesting journey. I’ve tried things. I’ve explored. Some paths I walked on for a bit, but then branched off when the trail opened up. Some paths closed themselves off completely, and even when I tried using a machete to hack my way through, I couldn’t go any further. Each of the paths I walked helped inform the person I am today. I honor those paths and those parts of my history, those parts of me. Continue reading
I’ve never truly been poor. At times of critical need, my parents have helped me out. I am lucky to have family to fall back on—that’s part of my privilege. But my experience of being a single mom for the last three+ years while earning not quite enough to make ends meet, then getting laid off eight months ago (with no unemployment benefits, ahem!), scrambling to find work, and finding myself underemployed…well, it’s taught me some things.
“One must be poor to know the luxury of giving.” –George Eliot
Being newly single and on my own after being not single or on my own for almost 20 years has been…interesting. Many things are more settled now than they were a year or even six months ago, but I am still feeling my way through some parts of this new landscape.
The main thing I am noticing is just how many choices I have to make, all the time, each with the same underlying question: Who and how do you want to be in the world? Continue reading
First, know this: I was married for almost 17 years, but we’d been together since I was 19. That’s almost 20 years, folks.
One day, I turned a corner. Or the corner turned me; I’m not sure which. On the other side of that corner was the terrible realization that I couldn’t stay in my marriage anymore. Continue reading
The last six and a half months have included the most difficult moments, decisions, and weeks/months of my life. While I don’t regret anything, I wouldn’t volunteer to go through these months again. Once was more than enough, thank you.
Two days ago, I bought a house. It’s a cute little house. Three bedrooms (so the boys will each have their own rooms); two bathrooms (so we won’t have hallway traffic jams on weekday mornings); and perhaps most importantly, in the kids’ school district.
It’s a good little house. Built in 2008, it’s still pretty new. The inspection report came back clean—there are a few things I should do sometime soon, like add gutters, but nothing major. It should be fairly easy to maintain; it has stained concrete floors inside and Hardiplank outside, along with a level yard so it’ll be easy to mow.
This house should provide a good place for my boys and me to be for the foreseeable future. I am pleased. I am proud of myself. I am hopeful about new beginnings in new spaces.
I’m also exhausted. Maybe even fraying at the edges. Continue reading